i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
