The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
