The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
