Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
