Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
