I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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