last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
home. puking in laundry basket.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
