her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
