Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
