I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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