Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
