Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
