Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
