I faked an abortion last night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
