Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
