Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Michael Bay diarrhea
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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