Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
