So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
