Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
