ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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