i already hear my dad disowning me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
