I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
