what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
