Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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