Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
