false alarm. still invincible.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
