How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
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Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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