you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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