oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
