do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
