Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
