i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
