Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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