I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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