No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
