so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Randomize
