I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
