hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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