id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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