3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
