Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
