I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
