The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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