I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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