Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.