Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
