saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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