i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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