The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize