don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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