My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
