was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
