just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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