wrigley field is MILF paradise
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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