he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
