What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
