The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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