We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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